Broken

I head outwards of the jetty, to the darkened evening and the deafening surf. Memories mixed with emotions swirl and crash onto me, weakening and tearing. Is my life doomed to be broken down by life’s dark waves? “You must be stupid or something!” my thoughts rage at me as I give up my rights. What I deserve, I surrender. In fact surrendering isn’t just the raising of the white flag. It involves a restraint not to fight even when one knows there would be instant victory. It involves not leaving even if other bright avenues beckon. It involves letting yourself getting bruised and battered by people who profess to be helping you, without retaliating.

Scared and hurt with tears no one sees except my father, I stare out to the black ocean. How easy it is to end it all. What fool would take this path that begets no profits? The crashing sound of the waves hurl on to the rocks. Depression embraces me tightly as the arms of my thoughts reach out warmly to him. How useless and unworthy I am, what good is it of me to make empty promises and commitments? Like a brittle glass piece, I crack at the slightest of temptation and pressure. Weak! Useless! Give Up! I fall down.

My body prostrates, surrendering to my Father as I desperately attempt to escape from the darkness around. A small hole appears in the darkness, a ray of light enters shining on me. Tears fall with each drop carrying away the memories of misperceptions, hurt, betrayal, backstab and vicious words. Bit by bit, drop by drop. An exchange has occurred. Where there was once the dead weight of gloom, there now is the lightness of grace, love and forgiveness. Peace reigns within as my turmoil is washed away. “Not my will be done, but yours be done Father,” I repeat my commitment once again as my strength is slowly rejuvenated.

The potter has chosen to rework His piece. Unsatisfied with the current work, He smashes it to the ground. The piece is broken and destroyed unable to serve its function. The potter picks up the broken bits and fashions it again. He has made a new piece, one more resilient, valuable and useful compared to the previous piece. He smiles. Dusk gives way to the dark night while the waves continue to crash on to the rocks. The deafening sounds are ever present. I stand up and walk away from the ocean and head towards the shore, stepping back on solid ground.